Qu (Coptic: ܩ, Greek: Κυ; alternatively spelled Qoo or Ku, but only by academics and hipsters) was a prominent Elder Judge of the Nile Penguins for a period of at least thirty years during the Late Fishy Dynastic Era. A philosopher, judge and poet, Qu was vastly influential figure, widely referenced even millennia after his death, and mentioned in such important texts as the Book of Penguins, the 18 Scrolls of Qaa-Sqe, the Boring Papyrus, Your Mom’s Diary (vol.CXVIII), and the Stele of Er.


He’s mentioned in the Book of Penguins and every word of that is literally true so of course he was historical you asshole.


Unicorn annunciation

A medieval illumination, "Qu and Hippias and also like unicorns and shit"

Most likely Qu came from the Grey Featherite branch of the Quaquasqueekwakwok clan. The Boring Papyrus mentions that his grandfather was a tuna merchant, a considerably lucrative profession in the Nile Penguin society. It is commonly assumed that in his youth he studied penguin law under Birdlords of Sphenictopolis, and was afterwards appointed a judge of the First Cataract. Much of his early career is obscured by legend; a popular tale has him disinherit the Cockroach prince Zzzzzvvvvuuusssss the Cruel with “legal loopholes so crafty that even guests from Judah stood dumbfounded”. Qu was most likely proclaimed an Elder Judge after Qvorak Tapirtail left a seat on the bar by stuffing himself to death with Tunisian anchovies.

In 1843, a French archaeological expedition found a tomb near Luxor with an inscription that went “Here lies Qu, he owned”. For a long time this was assumed to be Qu’s resting place, but in 1978 professor William Turdmore of UoB has conclusively proven it to in fact be the tomb of an unrelated penguin, known as Qu the Fierce, an accountant.

As an Elder JudgeEdit

Qu was a highly respected judge, his rulings apparently virtually undisputed. Perhaps the most spectacular case he was called to arbiter was the Feast of Overdue Tuna Affair, in which he ruled that Quorr-Ra was to pay a camelload of yams to Overlord Wakhotep for every day the latter was not able to leave the loo following the botched feast; managing to legally resolve this dispute saved the Penguins from a disastrous civil war that seemed certain.

The most influential of Qu’s rulings, however, were probably made on forums laws. His interpretations on the relationship between chat logs and forums posts, especially, have profoundly impacted later Roman and European laws on the matter. William Ockham has famously said that “no decision has ever saved more people from angry mobs and vicious banhammers than Qu’s treatment of the Tutankhabeak incident”.  Jean-Jacques Rousseau was like “Qu’s rulings on forums etiquette are totally dope”.

As a philosopherEdit

Classically, Qu was associated with the semi-burnites in regards to the Great Vote Burn Schism; some historians however, such as Irene Saggy-Asslord of FPU, maintain that this is unlikely considering the political climate of the Late Fishy Dynastic Era, and associate him with the Heliopolis School of Voting Burn.

Qu is particularly well known for his pragmatic attitude to the philosophical problem of forums-convos dualism. Spinoza considered him a great inspiration on the matter, which lead to quisian thought weaving itself deeply into Western enlightenment posting. Still, when priests to Har Awy riled multiple Penguins to begin the Great Riots of the Month of Thong, Qu sided firmly with Overlords Queakhapet and Qhorin Halfflipper, which eventually calmed the tensions.

In the Book of PenguinsEdit

740px-Gerbrand van den Eeckhout - Anna toont haar zoon Samuël aan de priester Eli

Gerbrand van den Eeckhout, "Qu judges the shit out of stuff"

It’s generally agreed that Qu appears in the Book of Penguins three times, although he’s only specifically mentioned by name twice.

His first appearance is during the Nileboat Clusterfuck, in which he’s only mentioned as “the Judge of First Cataract”, among 43 other Penguins of high social status summoned to judge over the disastrous capsizing of a barge transporting rubber duckies. Scholars as far back as the Minoan Empire seem to have considered it a reference to Qu, and modern academics tend to agree.

Qu’s appointment as the Elder Judge is briefly mentioned in the lines where Sekhsqueal Waak tells his people the Parable of Pissing Against the Wind.

Most famously, Qu is described judging over Tutankhabeak, whom other Penguins wanted to lynch for reading out his convos on a forum. The Book describes Qu as “the greatest judge in many generations”, and “famous for his wisdom”. His clear distinction between posting convos in threads and posting them in replies has become a standard in Flying Purple Law and is oft quoted to make people shut up.

Further readingEdit

  • Tart, Etienne, 1985. Qu et la politique (“Qu and politics”), Paris: PUF.
  • Jablowme, Heywood, 2001. Great Penguin Judges, Bouvetoya: UoBP.
  • Rosa, Don, 1995. The Life and Times of Qu the Elder Judge, Gemstone Publishing.
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