The simulwatch is a initiative sponsored by the surviving members of the FPH Institute for the Arts. It is made possible by simulwatch technology. Simulwatches represent the last, dying gasp of FPH's aspiration to stand at the vanguard of human artistic expression as career and family obligations suck members away from the noble joys of being a non-contributing member of society and replace them with the material joys of renovating one's bathroom.

The first simulwatch Edit


The actor László Lugossy distilled the universal human condition in his role as Schmidt wearing a baguette (Sátántangó, 1994).

The first film that we simulwatched was Sátántangó. This was an extraordinary feat of coordination and logistics worthy of Pál Kinizsi, the famous Hungarian general, given that we had to chunk out over 7 fucking hours for this film.

To prepare for the Simulwatch and ensure the totality of the artistic experience, the FPH Ministry[Which ministry?] requisitioned bottles of Bull's Blood, pots of goulash, and sausages of salami from its Hungarian vassals.

Joost was supposed to be there but chunked out last minute to live his Norwegian lifestyle and be an Instagram Star. All attendees agreed immediately at its conclusion that this was the greatest simulwatch ever, an experience which will never be repeated or topped.

Common themes Edit

Incorrect or inconsistent translation Edit

Poor translation or subtitling of films shot in another language have been a consistent theme of the simulwatch. In Sátántangó, pálinka is sometimes referred to in its native tongue, sometimes as fruit brandy, an obvious deliberate jab at FPH viewers who surely know their pálinka.

Philosophical officers of the law Edit

Although it is commonly said that the state enjoys power through its monopoly over violence, the most effective members of the forces of order are actually those able to leverage characters' inner conflicts against them through the persuasive arts. These characters are represented by Police Captain in Sátántangó, the various inquisitors in The Passion of Joan of Arc, and Interrogator in Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters. They are basically all intellectual conservatives, but like, the scary kind and not the screechy kind, being too elite to pander to 15-year-olds.

Bells Edit

Always a good way to celebrate, say, the arrival of the Turks, a burning at the stake, or ritual suicide.