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600px-Gnome globe current event.png This article documents a current event.
Information may change rapidly as the event progresses.


The Great B-Movie War
Bmovie.png
Clockwise from Top-left: Bill Murray in the film Groundhog Day, the love interest in Edge of Tomorrow, cherries which are central to the plot of aforementioned film, and Pot Calling the Kettle Black, a major battle in the Great B-Movie War.
Date 20 September 2014 - It all ends today
Location Bojack Horseman, Bojack Horseman Bojack Horseman Bojack Horseman
Result All possible scenarios are still being played out in narrative time but we already know that it will end with Raider's detailed response
Casus belli Dan, a major FPH cultural critic, declared Edge of Tomorrow to be the "Best sci-fi flick I've seen in a while".
Combatants
Scientology Symbol Logo.png Church of Scientology 800px-Flag of Europe.png European Cherry Growers' Union
Commanders
Jollyroger.png Pirate Dan

Flag of Israel.svg.png Talon
Miyagi.png Raider
Flag of Israel.svg.png Mike

Ankh.png Darkflame

22px-Flag of North Korea.svg.png Veggie
Brazil.png Elpea
Flag of Canada.png SoggyFrog
Flag of Colombia.png Shusky
USA.png Lief

Strength
The conviction of a million patriotic bald eagles Eleven years of academic training in media studies
Casualties
Talon, who is stuck in another narrative arc 2 hours of time spent watching a bad movie

The Great B-Movie War is an ongoing conflict between the European Cherry Growers' Union (and its allies) and the Church of Scientology (and its allies). It concerns the reception of an American B-movie starring scientologist Tom Cruise, titled Edge of Tomorrow , which is essentially a movie made for 13-year-old gamers but is "smart" because it uses the central plot mechanic of the classic Bill Murray comedy, Groundhog Day.

Prelude[]

Dan watched a movie.

Opening Salvo[]

On September 20, 2014 a thread was created called "Edge of Tomorrow" or something, we're not sure what. In this thread Pirate Dan made the statement:

Best sci-fi flick I've seen in a while. Every time I watch a movie with Tom Cruise in it I want to hate it but he's really actually a good actor.

Anyways, discuss!

—Pirate Dan

While his initial statement was contentious, the war could arguably have been avoided had the invitation to further discussion not been included. Indeed, for 2 days the thread was ignored until Talon added, "is good can confirm". These posts likely prompted Darkflame to watch the film, as on September 25 he added 4 posts in rapid succession pointing out the obvious vacuousness of Tom Cruise's film.

Being already in the midst of the Sixth Spaghetti Wars, these comments soon drew in antidugongs from Raider and Talon, with Elpea stepping in to back Darkflame. The conflict may well have been left to simmer, as the discussion turned to the ending and how it sucked and was pretty civil with spoilers and everything. However, Mike and Raider refused to accept that the bad ending invalidated the film, with Raider suggesting the reason for the dispute was that, "DF's just stupid."

Name Calling[]

Darkflame declared that the tastes of Edge of Tomorrow's apologists were "objectively awful". This assault incited Raider to call its critics "autistics" to which Elpea retorted that the pro-Edgeists were "children". Dan and Talon went on the offensive, accusing Darkflame of trying to force his tastes upon them, at which point Darkflame cited an idiom concerning black pots and kettles. At this point Talon failed to grasp what was going on, but this is okay because he's actually stuck in another narrative of the conflict at this point where Darkflame is trying to force Dan and Talon not to like the movie.

This confusion leads to some gruesome attempts to recontextualize the conflict, leaving everyone thoroughly unsatisfied and mildly annoyed. We're not all as easy as pr2's mom.

Operation Ruby Tuesday[]

On Tuesday, Darkflame deployed every single one of his frustrations regarding Edge of Tomorrow into the thread. He kind of walked all over Talon. We're not sure what happened but Talon isn't turning back the clock on this one. Veggie leapt on the opportunity to insult Americans, at which point his domestic partner Raider rebutted that he hadn't "even seen the film" and promised to "respond to DF's points soon". This led to much anticipation. Then things just petered out and mild barbs were exchanged during the rest of the day.

Wednesday[]

Shusky and SoggyFrog finally watched the movie and figured it out. At this point we're not sure if Lief will also watch the movie, by now he's kind of obliged to.

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